This is a long story, just something I wanted to get off my chest

This doesn't contain any sex in it. I just wanted to tell somebody, maybe nobody, how I became myself.

This doesn't contain any sex in it, it's probably the wrong place to post this, but I wanted to tell my story.

First, I male and I am a zoophile, in the sense of what it meant to be one in 1750. I love animals and I know how I became one. I would be lying if I said I've never been tempted with actually having intercourse with one, but there are lines I won't cross. I've never had sex with an animal and I never will. I am thankful I never did. I am old enough now, wise enough to know I would have regretted it. Good enough to be holding a dog all night, feeling his (or her - I don't discriminate) against my skin, feeling the sort breathing as they pass out. I enormously enjoy that level of trust and gentleness.

Second: how did I get this way? I had an adopted brother two years older than me who was adopted at about the same time I was born when he was two. He had spent 2 years in an orphanage. I didn't have any concept of it at the time, but I think he was sexually abused at the orphanage, and he abused me subsequently. He would climb while I was lying on my belly on my back and would hump me. I didn't think anything of it at the time, it didn't harm me but when I discovered what sex was in my early teens, I was horrified about what happened. THAT'S where the damage came from. I realized something happened to me that just alienated me from the human race. I was alone in it.

He had stopped, at least sexually, abusing me when HE realized what sex was I now realize.

My adopted brother was much stonger than I was, and I was much more intellectually gifted. This caused problems. He engaged in a lot of mental abuse with me. We had two dogs and two cats. If either of the pets were with me, he would scare them away and terrorize them, and as a result they just learned to avoid me entirely. He scared or stole friends away from me. I ended up in basically isolation for the first 18 years of my life. I was intellectually gifted, but I was downright emotionally retarded.

I grew up in a very remote area, hunting was common, although I didn't much approve of it, but honestly, if you've ever seen a factory farm, hunting is much more humane. He used to "hunt" small animals all the time.He just thought it was a blast to blow the head off a chipmunk, or kill a bird. He knew I hated it. What is the point of killing something if that's all you're going to do? Kill it? I felt very badly for them.

I don't think he was conscious of just how much he hurt me. He drove me into social isolation but intellectual pursuit.

I never told my parents what happened. The damage was done, she could see how he treated me, but "boys will be boys"... My mother grew up in an extremely violent home as a child, she was strict but fair. She was careful not to raise us in the same sort of home, but she was too permissive in some ways because of what she experienced. My father grew up as a spoiled brat, he and his sister were both adopted, he wanted to repeat this, which is why I ended up with that monster of a brother.

My mother is dead now, my father is still around but will soon pass away. They will never ever know what happened, what can they do about it?

Because I was so emotionally deprived, I couldn't pick up on social cues. I started studying psychology to try to understand these animals around me that called themselves "human beings". I read a lot of science fiction as well, that was my escape. I'm technically just an engineer, but actually, I'm a really bad polymath. I understand critical thinking (and I'm good at it!), I understand game theory (that's the true basis of morality - and you can see how its shaped various religions), want to know how a computer chip works? I can explain in detail.

I did slowly correct myself but I never felt much affection for people. I could now get along with them OK, have had some really good friendships but I cannot say I really loved much of anybody.

When I was in my teens, I nearly broke I hit a fork in the road and almost went down the wrong path. I told you my brother would terrorize the pets around me, so they would just avoid me. I, in turn, became resentful of the pets, because they would not accept affection, if I tried to pet one, they would jump down or move away. I was in an emotional desert. I was so isolated, and I hated those pets as a result. I am very very ashamed to admit I would abuse the cat, because I was able to easily overpower her. I would forcibly hold her and of course she didn't like that and if she would fight back enough to hurt me, I would hurt her. This is decades ago, and and still just am very ashamed of it. I'm very sorry I did that, that I had become abusive myself. When I realized what I was doing I was horrified, and disgusted with myself. I still feel regret and shame decades later. Good. I deserve to feel badly for what I did. I did dog foster and rescue to try to atone for my sin.

I could have become another Adam Britton. If you do not know about that case, I do NOT suggest you look it up. I did dog rescue for a number of years, I have seen some pretty fucked up things, had to deal with it. Britton's case gave me nightmares. I helped with a number of others to track down a serial animal abuser. Government doesn't do FUCK ALL but you can hurt the abusers in other ways. The flippancy of hit "It's just an animal". I have had dozens of dogs in rescue, I'm a competent trainer, I have taken violent fearful dogs in, and turned them into patient, kind, loving teddy bears just to give them away to a family. It was very rewarding but then my OWN dogs died, I found I just didn't have a heart anymore. When I put my last dog down at 16, I expected to be in shock over her death, although she WAS 16, I was preparing for it for a long time. But my ability to feel, anything, was gone for months. Good thing I'm an engineer, and didn't become a psychiatrist.

When I heard of Adam Britton's case I started to study the case reports, and got a feel for his psychology.I am unhappy to admit we share similar personalities and psychology. He's in a technical field, I can too, he wasn't very friendly with other people, I think I've displayed more than a little arrogance in this (that's a defense mechanism) he has the same issue. Arrogance is a way to hide my vulnerability. I am so grateful that as messed up as I am, I didn't just become a sociopath. I nearly did. It is weird to see a twisted version of myself. Oh my god, we were born within 3 weeks of one another.

Since my brother was two years older than me, I had a two year reprieve when my brother was in college. The dumb brute got a kitten in college, couldn't keep it naturally, so he just dumped it off at the house over a weekend visit. Asked if I wanted it. He was just getting rid of it but yeah, I needed a friend at the time and he hadn't managed to mess up the cat yet. I really grew to love that cat. I'd get home from school, and cuddle her about two hours staring at a television. That cat became a real touchpoint for me. I realized I was worthy of love after all. When the bastard left college, actually dropped out, you know what he did? He took the cat back. It took maybe a few months of separation before that cat hated me for allowing him to take her. I don't know what he did to her, but I never could pet her again and I really tried. NOTHING I did could regain her trust.

I was so attention starved at one point, I would go into the attack and just hold my older sister's stuffed toys she left behind although at 14, I was way to old for it. Gotten over that taboo. I don't have a lot of stuffed toys, but I have a couple. Sometimes I would buy a toy for a dog I got, some liked them, some didn't. A few were too cute to allow the dog to destroy. I wouldn't buy toys for dogs if they destroyed them. I was so emotionally screwed up in my 20's still, I couldn't say the word "teddy bear" or "cute" without embarrassment.I ran into another guy like me years ago, he experienced the same disability. I ran into him for an odd reason, I discovered some people actually liked to have "sex" with stuffed toys. I was horrified for some reason, because I always saw them as completely innocent. He calmed me down, he actually ran a group about the fetish. I need to understand WHY something disturbs me to get over it. He did something I consider awful and mean. Another guy gave him a gift of a plush husky dog, pretty large. At somebody else's request (some of them are into that too..) he ripped the poor thing on camera, recorded it and uploaded it. The person that gave him this toy was mortified and HE didn't understand why. I had to explain to him that this was a gift, I'm sure he thought it was very cute, he probably valued it, and hoped you'd value it to, but you just destroyed it.

My adopted brother went into a relatively normal life. I became estranged from my family. THEY know my brother was abusive to me but not to the extent I do. I bet my brother has forgotten most of it. On the rare occasion I come home my older brother tells me that my adopted brother "feels bad" about how he treated me. So what? He's the reason I don't give a damned about any of them. As far as I'm concerned, they are all co-conspirators by doing nothing.

I mentioned I am a zoophile in the classical sense. This just means I can develop a deep emotional connection to animals. Animals are much more honest than people are and they are amazingly logical. Most people are insane (I imagine many of people will see the hypocrisy of ME saying THAT) and I'm not being flippant when I say that. Didn't the "pandemic" teach any of you meat robots anything? I looked up excess death reports, and looked through the obituaries. Coronavirus is a cold virus. It was finally that bullshit "pandemic" that broke me from the human race. I used to despair when I saw propaganda in the news, and dummies repeating it, like "the January insurrection" - yeah, all the right wing gun nuts forgot to bring their guns. I can give you dozens of examples of just blantant lies of our "news", but it would likely identify me if I did. Fewer than 10% of the human population actually thinks. Most people, are NOT sentient, no offense.

Don't think I got lucky by being "smart" either. I agonize over situations, I remember nearly every trauma I experienced even since I was 3. Not being able to forget is another trauma in itself. I still remember when my dog's heat stopped beating when I put my first dog down. I did take some medical courses in college, breifly considered becoming a vet. It takes about 2 minutes for the brain to die when circulation ends. I stayed with him 5 minutes to make certain he really was gone. I was always with my pets when I euthanize them. I have had to do this twice with my dogs, and 4 times with fosters. I had to put a dog down at 5, because of lung cancer. The last day, he was so weak I had to carry around him the block. I order a deluxe pizza and let him have his fill. Wrote a not to my boss that I was feeling pretty ill, and I wasn't going to be in the next day. I then got a 6 pack and got wasted spending the evening with a dog I had to kill in about 12 hours.

I still feel that like it was yesterday. It was 20 years ago.

I have memories locked into my head of stuff that I didn't even experience. I read of a case years ago, where a man took his dog to be euthanized at the vet, and brought the body back to dig a grave for his friend. His dog was alive (not well, but alive), when he finished digging the hole in his truck. Could you imagine the horror this dog could have experienced. That's why I checked for a heartbeat myself. Usually it's a barbiturate overdose, in smaller amounts, it's nothing but a sedative. I had my dogs cremated. I had an INTENSE phobia of them waking up in a kiln.

I remember when a "friend" asked me to watch his dogs. One was super lethargic, so, at my own expense I brought her in got her checked out. Won't tell you the diease, but it was fatal if it wasn't treated, but it was easily fixed just giving her a pill once a day. I bought a months worth of medicine, and returned her with the paperwork, and explained the situation. He let the presciption run out, didn't replace it, and he had the effrontery to act emotionally when he found her dead. It was $60 a month, I've seen him blow more money on a fucking pizza. He things we had a falling out because HIS (yes, he's gay) husband freaked out on me when I pointed out Obama was likely as bad as Bush, and challenged him to name all the accomplishments of the Obama administration. He bombed 5 nations, killed about 7 million people, bailed out Wall Street overthrew Ukraine, and restated long ago racial issues. But he legalized gay marriage! That's what he was incensed about that I didn't think gay marriage matter compared to all the atrocities that he did. He didn't like it when I pointed out they were NOT legally married either.

This is what I mean when I say people aren't mostly human to me.

Let me explain why animals are superior to people. The main reason is they do not consume propaganda, nor are they are effected by it. I live in the United States and I am in my early 50s. Every single war that has happened in my lifetime with my nation, WITHOUT exception was started by a lie. At 20, I figured this would end, with the Internet catching the media in lies and exposing them. Remember the Nayirah testimony? That was uncovered by the Internet in a week, we thought we could stop the war - nope. It is maddening to be gaslit by other people who repeat and are controlled by propaganda. Animals aren't. Like this. When you are out of step with nearly everybody else, it does make you crazy. It's made me very strong though as a result. I used to argue with people about events and propaganda and what not. I just use it as a test now. I will mention some (relatively) obscure fact like "Ukraine was overthrown by the US in 2014. We can know this because of an intercepted phone call between Victoria Nuland and Geoffrey Pyatt" - if the y look at me screw faced like I've completely lost my mind, and don't ask me about or just contradict me, I just put them in the category of meat robot now. I no longer try to save people.

Animals are predictable too, for the most part, and they are LOGICAL. A dog won't just get a feeling that it doesn't like you. It might be guarded against you when it first meets you, but if you treat them well, you will almost get that gentleness and love you give it, back, and with interest. This is how you build up a broken dog - you give them affection first, they will trust you and give you back affection here and there, and over time you continue to pour more affection into the animal until it's entirely content. A person, however, can dislike you for your clothing style, your hair cut, your skin color, all sorts of trivial, nonsense things. People almost are all superficial. There is nothing superficial about an animal. The fact I was actually taught as a kid that animals do not "really have feelings", was the first hint people aren't really human. You know how you ACTUALLY vote for a politician? How they look like and how they speak. You don't care about their record of lies and criminality. I find it painful to be around most people. They do the most absurd things, repeat the silliest nonsense because they won't take a moment to think about what they are saying. This is called "received opinion". When somebody says "well, animals don't really have emotions", they never thought about it, or tested it. I have seen a crow MOURN the loss of a mate.

Being around people can be downright painful. Not with an animal and I like them all. Dogs, cats, horses, ponies. Ponies are some of the best pleasures to pet. I lived near a small farm that gives pony rides to kids. I got to know the owners and I would bring my dogs out to vist the pasture the ponies who weren't giving rides at the time. Those things are attention starved. I talked to somebody who is ACTUALLY competent with equines (that isn't me..), I've been informed that ponies that are used to give rides don't tend to be very "smart", they are safer and easier to control this way. They don't have to be smart, but I really enjoy it when they are sweet and enjoy my affection. One pony I met in an entirely different situation sidled up to me to get closer to me. I was very moved by this. I still have the knack!

In closing, I want to say I really do not regret having (most) of my life. Everything that happens to you, shapes you. If I didn't have an abusive brother, I wouldn't have my intellect, I wouldn't have been driven into science and psychology. If I didn't study psychology I wouldn't have run across Freud and his notorious nephew Edward Bernays, who is the father of American propaganda. If I didn't study that, I wouldn't have ever realized all our corporate media, not some of it, but absolutely all of it is just marketing for either a product, idea, or a war. For example: Notice the "trans children" "issue" is suddenly gone? That was centrally created marketing in our media. Dylan Mulvaney is back to obscurity. "Desmond is Amazing" realized he mother was a psycho, and quit. Man I feel sorry for that kid. I used to read all the "fan letters" he got on his YouTube channel, obviously they were all just pedophiles.

Despite some pretty dark times in my life, I am glad I exist.

If you're curious as to why I wrote this, well, I'm 1/2 dead now. I will not live for more than another 30 years barring some amazing medical advancements, I will die of old age by then. I have never told anybody what happened to me, I've carried it alone. I know the path I went through to get here and have been thinking about the set of circumstances that got me to this point. I'm dog sitting for a friend now, who despite being a totally different breed than my most favorite wonderful dog, is so similar to him, right down to his rough start in life. He was very neglected for a number of years in his life. I was too. I always feel great empathy for neglected animals.

Despite being emotionally dead for a number of years, despite swearing I would never own a dog again, I admit I do miss the affection. There is just something wonderful about him plopping down on my lap when I'm in bed to snuggle in between my legs. He starts with a grin, and relaxes to unconsciousness if he falls asleep. He's not a small dog either, he's 80 lbs. If it's warmer he will often just lie next to me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder and I'll rub his belly if he presents it. That's an absolute sign of trust.

I am grateful I can feel this level of love and affection.

And I really did dog rescue for a number of years. You might think you cannot give them up. Couple I did adopt out, did hurt - one dog I adopted out howled when he realized I wasn't going with the new family. I put on a brave face and smiled and waved goodbye and went back in. I immediately teared up. I really got something out of fixing emotionally damaged animals. I was the big sucker of the group and often got the "troublesome" cases. I have learned enough in doing this, that I can impart my wisdom on other people, and all because I had an abusive adopted brother who messed me up pretty good at one point, but inadvertently made me compassionate, caring and nice - but only to animals. I'm pretty quiet around most people and it's not because I'm shy, I just have contempt for most people, and you don't want to openly show that.

I can't talk openly about most of this, even in a psychologist's office. They would think that I was using the word "zoophile" in place of "pedophile". I'm not one of those thank god. If any of you are cursed with being a pedophile, man I feel sorry for you. If you were to go to a psychologist's office seeking help, they would immediately report you to the authorities and this is ironic, since our filthy government was running a pedophile ring through Jeffrey Epstein. The ring isn't gone either, they just have a new leader of it. And no, the "files" will never be released.

Our government is run by a bunch of people who are blackmailing each other. We live in an evil world. I don't know if good exists, but I damned well know evil does..

I was close to somebody in my family, in part that with both went into scientific disciplines, both a bit estranged from our family. We did a game one night when out drinking about just being honest, and everything was to remain confidential between us. I agreed and although I didn't tell about my abuse as a kid. We traded surprising facts between ourselves and as we got more intimate knowledge - I did tell him I did have actual sexual lust for animals. I thought this was going to shock him, and I was about to follow it up with "well, of course I've never done it" but didn't get that far - what he said shocked me "I used to fuck our pony" he told me. I was stunned, nearly dropped my beer, and later told him I was intensely jealous of him. He kind of offered me an opportunity to find a way for me to try it, I declined.

Like I said, I prefer to stay in my lane, although I did have fantasies. I'm actually glad to get rid of my lust. I promised I would never, ever, have sex with an animal unless I loved it, and would keep them protected for their entire life. I loved plenty of animals, both male and female, big and small and never gave into my lust.

Sorry to post this here. This is an anonymous forum, and I have wanted to get this off my chest for years. I WAS a bit of a pervert but I wanted somebody to know just because somebody can get pervy, they can still be nice. Unless I get dementia, I will remember my little ones all my life. If I start forgetting one of my long dead dogs is dead, I'll kill myself. I don't want to find out over and over and over again asking "were is X, the dog?" and being told - don't you remember? He died 30 years ago.

I have told portions of my story before here and there but never the full story. IF you come across me somewhere else, and recognize me, please don't expose me. I will just lie anyhow, claim it's THIS story pieced together from a bunch of what I wrote previously, and all the abuse stuff is just made up. I'm a very convincing liar, now.

There are maybe 5 people in the world that could read this and go "I know that person". NONE of them know I was sexually abused as a kid. If they were to come across this post, ask me about it I already have my out. I would say "well, I'd need to read it to see what it says", and spend 30 minutes pretending to read it. I'd dismiss it, I might say "yeah this sounds like me here, and there, but it's a big world with 8 billion people in it, eventually I was going to run into somebody a LITTLE like me. I would even probably put in a reply to this post, mention I am similar, but certainly not a zoo - but I sure love dogs. I would express sympathy that the other me experienced abuse at the ends of his brother and say "thank goodness I never had to go through that". I guess I'm just preemptively doing that. IF anybody that knows me well enough realizes this is who I am, do not ask about it. I could NEVER talk about this with anybody. I have to write about it. I have vomited 3 times writing this, because it's that hard to re-experience all this shit again but it's wonderful to talk about these bitter memories finally.

I doubt anybody will ever read this whole thing, this long boring winded rant anyhow. It's a burden to live with my memories and carry them alone, yet I would never inflict these memories on a friend or a loved one. I don't want to have to say "yeah, I wanted to bone a dog or a pony since I hit puberty until I was finally released from this demon at 49". It's been months since I had an erection, I'm just fine with that. Some people might thing this makes me less of a man, what it does, it allow me to rejoin the greater human race.