I was raped as a little girl. Now I’m a trans guy with fantasies of being raped as a girl

I’m a trans guy, but some sexual encounters in my youth have left me hungry for rough handling as a girl.

When I was little, my grandpa took advantage of me. He did it when I was really young, thinking I wouldn’t remember. But he would occasionally touch me inappropriately for years after and it was always spark memories. In addition, my cousins also tried to coerce me into sex, which I refused. My brother, a curious boy going through puberty, also played with my pussy (And I let him because it felt good). Other than the first time with my grandpa, no one ever inserted into me (orally, vaginally, or anally). But that was all in the past. Now, I’m an adult, and I’ve been out as a trans male for nearly five years. I’ve had surgery to remove my breasts but still have my pussy. I don’t think I ever want to get rid of it because I live putting things into it too much. I’ve had hormones, so I have no more periods and my voice has lowered. And that’s all well and fine.
But here’s the thing.
When it comes to sex, I’m frustrated. I have a hard time orgasming. The only thing that gets me off is imagining that I’m a girl and getting taken advantage of. I don’t support rape of any kind, and when I look at people or children I never think that I would wish that upon them. But I want it for me. Somehow, imagining I’m a girl getting raped (especially by a dominant male family member) turns me on. I forget about my gender and slip into this mindset of being a submissive bitch that needs handling. I fantasize about all this and yet I don’t know if I actually want it. What’s in my head and what’s real life are probably two different things. But I can’t help it. I feel the urge to think about these scenarios and search online on prin websites and places like this for hardcore stuff because the thought of me receiving a big dick in my pussy turns me on. I’m adamant about my identity outside of the bedroom, but when I’m in “sex-mode” all bets are off the table. I’d be willing to dress up as a little girl and would love to be called nasty names like daddy’s little slut and a whore cumdumpster (I love dirty talk and verbal degradation for some reason). I like the idea of resisting at first but then giving in to the pleasure and taboo nature. I like the idea of being handled rough and controlled (within limits obviously).
Maybe I’ve trained myself to be like this. Maybe I’ve been left unsatisfied because I never got to get penetrated by anyone when I was younger. I don’t know. Should I be worried? It makes me feel good and I would never hurt anyone, but I constantly feel ashamed.
I would love to know your thoughts. I’m open to support and advice on one hand, but I’m also fully open to any sexual remarks or fantasies that you wanna leave in the comments. I’d love to read them and I don’t mind if you sexualize me. In fact, it would make me feel flattered to know that someone is thinking dirty thoughts about me. Like I said, I’m a trans male but I still have my pussy, so I can be penetrated in all three holes. In addition, I’m a bit of a fem boy, so I can be a little girl in the bedroom if you want me to be. I’m really into rape and incest play. I’d love to hear your dirtiest fantasies so I can be turned on like I always am when I read stories on this website.
Thanks -C